Adjusting to a Child Coming Out: Be Compassionate with Yourself

Karen Harrison (right) puts the finishing touches on her granddaughter Summer Rose Harrison-Little Cloud's braids, preparing her to dance at the Ninth Annual Bay Area American Indian Two-Spirit Powwow, held Feb. 8, 2020, at Fort Mason Festival Pavilion in San Francisco. You can read more at "Indigenous 'Two Spirit' people find healing and refuge from colonialism."

You may need your own time to adjust to your young person's identity, no matter how LGBTQA+/SGL-positive you are. Even the most supportive parents/caregivers may have emotional reactions to their child coming out. That's okay; be gentle and kind with yourself.

"Don't hold desperately onto who you wanted me to be."

Below, interspersed with quotes from queer and trans teens and younger adults, are 7 of the very normal feelings you may experience. None of them makes you a "bad parent" or a "bad person."

The bottom of this page has 5 actions you can take to make this path easier for yourself.

Note that there's no "correct order" or way you "should" experience anything in the 12 sections below. Nor is there a rule that you have to experience them all.

Whatever your feelings, they will likely ebb and flow, especially if you're new to all of this. And that's okay. Many of these emotions aren't comfortable. But they're a part of your process of learning to love your child exactly as they are, right here, right now.

Emotions you may experience

You may grieve the loss of the child you thought you had, including the future you had in mind for them. Perhaps this includes your vision for:

their spouse;
their wedding; and
their children

You may also deeply miss very personal things that, as a parent, you gave them like:

the name you gave them;
the pronouns you've always used; or
the nicknames that they may no longer want.

You are not alone.

You may not want to think about them having a significant other of a different gender than the one you'd assumed.

You may struggle to use a new name and pronouns. Even with the best of intentions, you may find yourself consciously or unconsciously reverting to your child's birth name and the pronouns you had previously used for them.

"My parents are lacking quite a bit in the affirmation department; I really wish they would actually use my pronouns and that it didn't take them an entire year to even start using my preferred name."

"They try to gender me correctly and buy me pride merch to show how supportive they are. However that correct gendering and support feels completely gone once I leave the room as I over hear them constantly misgender and deadname me. Support should be consistent and constant even when the person is not in the room."

You may worry about how your family and friends coud react to your young person's identity.

You may be afraid that your child or your family may face discrimination or violence.

These concerns can be especially salient if your tween or teen is TGNC and/or BIPOC.

You may be angry at your child. Among the things that may trigger that feeling, you may wonder why they're going against the values you taught them, have rejected the name you gave them after so much thought and consideration, or have left your religious community.

Anger: What's Under the Surface?

You may also get angry at the hostility in the US directed at queer and trans people. Even if you were aware of this hostility before, having a child now identifying as part of that community can increase your anger.

If this anger leads you to engage in activism supporting queer and trans communities, below are some tips:

Talk to your child about what they're comfortable with you doing.
- Do they want you protesting publicly? Or would they prefer you do more quiet, behind-the-scenes activism?
- Yes, you can attend rallies and marches and not tell people that you have a queer or trans child. But since you do have one, the dynamic may feel different — for you and/or your child.
There are many suggestions in the many suggestions in the "Use your..." sections of Reflecting Rainbow Tweens & Teens on ways to support queer and trans young people.
Pace yourself. Activism can be exhausting; it's okay to take a break.
It's also okay to choose actions that are the most comfortable for you.
- For instance, if you don't want to chance being on the local news, marching with PFLAG in the Pride parade may not be the best place for you.
- If you have a job or career that requires you to have no arrests on record, engaging in nonviolent civil disobedience might not be the most realistic choice.
Once you've found your comfort zone in activism, see if you can stretch a bit to take on one small thing that feels a little uncomfortable. It's a great way to keep yourself growing and learning.

You may feel so proud of your young person for thinking so hard about their identity, for coming into themselves, and for making a space in the world for them to be their full selves.

You may feel proud of how you reacted, initially and/or eventually, when you learned about your child’s identity.

Use your pride to acknowledge any of the queer or trans awareness days/weeks/months to your child.

You have always loved your child. Their coming out may not impact your love for them at all. Or your love for them may increase or decrease. But your love has been and will still be there. If you’ve felt it decrease, that will reverse itself as you work through your feelings. If it was unconditional before, it can be unconditional again.

Let your love lead you back to your young person.

None of the feelings above is mutually exclusive, and they're all very normal. You can experience more than one at the same time. And you may cycle through some or all of those emotions repeatedly.

If you've struggled with LGBTQA+/SGL people and identities in the past, that will likely be exacerbated by your own young person coming out.

But even if you've been an ally or accomplice to LGBTQA+/SGL communities for years, you may find yourself having a hard time when it's about your own child.

None of these feelings means that you're a terrible person or parent. They're an indication of the depth of love for your child and your desire both to support them and for them to have the easiest, most fulfilling life possible.

You may need to enlist the help of a local support group and/or a therapist for help in getting through these initial weeks and months — and maybe longer. Some of the organizations listed in this section of R2T2 have local chapters that might be a huge help. Others offer online/virtual support to folx living anywhere in the US. As for therapists, there is no shame in getting a professional to help you. It's why they got specialized training and degrees! Check out these suggestions for how to find a queer- or trans-positive therapist.

Please give yourself the space to work though all of this — but not with your child present; it's your job to support them, not their job to support you.

"Something that's often more specific to parents of trans kids: GRIEVE THE CHILD YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. I can imagine that it's hard to have a kid come out as trans. I've had to lose some dreams for the future in my time, I know it's not easy. I can empathize with that pain. At the same time, I cannot stress enough how much that pain is not your child's fault. This grief is not theirs to manage. Their coming out is not something they did to you. Their coming out is about them, and about them wanting to outwardly be the person they really are. Please, get yourself a therapist or a support group or a friend or something and work those feelings out where your kid will never, ever see them."

Actions that may help

If you're struggling and cannot get support from your partner/spouse or if you need additional support, seek out other parents, both those who are at a different phase in their journey and those who are in the same place as you.

Your most helpful resource may be something local. At least for those of us who are neurotypical (and maybe extroverts), there's nothing that beats sitting in the same room with someone and discussing successes and challenges.

To find this kind of support, start here: Connection (Family Equality)
If that doesn't yield a group in your area, Google is your friend!

Barring a local group — because one doesn't exist, you're unable to attend or don’t want to, or the group you found is not a good fit — here are some national resources in the US to consider:

Conferences are another great way to meet folx who can understand your journey and/or whom you can assist on their journey.

- EDGY (Embracing the Diversity of GLBTQ Youth and families)
- Eshel Parent Retreat
- Gender Odyssey
- Models of Pride (This one is mostly for youth under 25 but also includes tracks for parents and professionals.)
- Rainbow Families

Here are some places to go to find additional comfort, understanding, and insight.

As a reminder, links preceded by a red asterisk (*) were recommended by my survey-takers.