Supportive Parents Are Vital Helping Family Embrace a Queer/Trans Child

By prathanchorruangsak at Envato Elements.

If you have straight and cis young people in your nuclear family, they may have particular needs. Please don't ignore them.

Don't keep your other child's identity a secret once they're ready to come out.

Dear Therapist: My Parents Won't Let Me Tell My Brother I'm Gay.

Help your other kids understand what's going on. Be compassionate and help them work through their feelings. This may include finding a queer- or trans-positive therapist for them. Therapists can be a tremendous help in helping siblings come to terms with — and learn to celebrate — their queer or trans siblings.

When they're ready to advocate for their queer or trans sibling, teach your children to be upstanders, not bystanders.

Teach them to support their queer or trans sibling.

How to Talk to Your Siblings About Their Sexual Identity

The books on the Books Featuring Queer Siblings list specifically include characters with queer or trans siblings. Your other children might find something there helpful.

Some of the books in the resource section on parenting a TGNC child have additional ideas here. And some of the points in the section for siblings may help you as well.

Caveat: i've written the section below as if each adult only has one partner/spouse merely because that's less awkward than constantly writing something along the lines of "your partner(s)/spouse(s)" or "ex-partner(s)/spouse(s)." Poly folx, i see you and love you!

Having a child come out as queer or trans can put a strain on any intimate relationship, especially one that's already in trouble. This is true whether you're in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous one, if you're no longer together with your child's other parent, and/or when you have a current partner/spouse who is a stepparent to your child.

Things are easiest when all parents are on the same page. And it can be most challenging when the parents don't agree on how to proceed.

If you have a partner/spouse who is struggling more than you with your young person's identity — and you're still together — support them as they learn to accept the beautiful young person whom you have, not the one whom your partner/spouse thought you had. A therapist may be helpful here.

If you're struggling more than your partner/spouse with your young person's identity, ask for support from them as you learn to accept the beautiful young person whom you have, not the one whom you thought you had. A therapist may be helpful here.

If you're separated or divorced from your child's other biological or legal parent and you share custody, you may need the support of a therapist (or two) to work through your differences. There are horror stories out there of the non-supportive parent suing the supportive parent for custody of their child, especially in the case of TGNC young people. Not only can this be financially devastating but, more importantly, it can lead to the child being placed in a home where they will not be with a supportive parent.

Some of the books in the resource section on parenting a TGNC child have additional ideas here.

Remember that it's better to have a young person who's out and proud — or, at the very least, is fully supported by their family — than a young person who is dead by their own hands. This includes parents supporting TGNC children and youth in socially and/or physically transitioning if that's what they want or need.

If you're struggling and cannot get support from your partner/spouse or ex, or need additional support, seek out other parents, both those who are at a different phase in their journey and those who are in a similar place as you.

Your most helpful resource may be going to be something local. At least for those of us who are neurotypical (and maybe extroverts), there's nothing that beats sitting in the same room with someone and discussing successes and challenges. To find these groups, Google is your friend!

Barring a local group — because one doesn't exist, you're unable to attend or don't want to, or the group you found is not a good fit — here are some national resources in the US to consider:

Conferences are another great way to meet folx who can understand your journey and/or whom you can assist on their journey.

- EDGY (Embracing the Diversity of GLBTQ Youth and families)
- Eshel Parent Retreat
- Gender Odyssey
- Models of Pride (This is mostly for youth under 25 but also includes tracks for parents and professionals.)
- Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference
- Rainbow Families

"For me, I was fortunate to have a mom who allowed me to cut my hair short, wear clothing from the men's section, and present myself in a more masculine way growing up. It made me less dysphoric at times, and in return, I feel more comfortable reaching out to my mom for support."