If you know you have a big problem with queerness and transness

• Say
  • Thank them for telling you. It takes a lot of courage to come out to someone, especially if your friend wasn’t sure what your reaction would be.
  • Use the name and pronouns they ask you to, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You can find suggestions on how to change the pronouns you use for someone on R2T2.
• Don’t say
  • Don’t ask about their HIV status.
  • Do not, under any circumstances, out them to anyone without their permission.
    • Your one exception: your non-school-based therapist if you need help working through this.
    • Remember: there is no shame in needing the support of a trained mental health counselor. Recognizing that you need help from a professional is a huge step and speaks volumes about how hard you’re working to accept your friend for exactly who they are. This R2T2 section has more details on why and how to find a therapist to work with.
  • If they’re trans, do not ask them about their bodies. If you wouldn’t ask a cis man or boy if he’s circumcised, you should show the same respect to trans folx of any identity. It’s just not your business.

• Do
  • Keep treating your friend with the same respect and affection you always have.
  • Keep doing what you’ve always been doing together — seeing new movies on Sunday afternoons, hanging out after school each Tuesday, going rollerskating on Fridays, hitting the pool on Saturdays.… This will help your friend not be isolated and will remind you of why you’re friends.
  • Do research on queer and trans folx, especially young people. Learn what their lives are like. Your friend may or may not feel up to answering your questions. So read books, find websites, subscribe to blogs, check out TikTok and Instagram accounts, watch movies, listen to podcasts…. The list is virtually endless. But make sure you focus on things created by queer or trans folx or their allies. Relatedly, be aware that not every resource out there is supportive.
• Don’t do
  • If they’re queer, don’t assume they’re attracted to you.

• Remember that it’s okay to need to work through your queer- and trans-antagonism. If you’re from the US, you were raised in the same queer- and trans-antagonistic culture that the rest of us were. There’s no shame in having work to do; there is only shame in refusing to do it.
• If your reluctance comes from your faith, as it does for many people, check out this list of faith-related resources.
• Be assured that everyone is not going to think you’re queer or trans because you have a queer or trans friend.
  • Yes, some people may think that, especially if your friendship is very close, and others know that. But this is part of your internal work: being okay with people assuming you’re queer or trans.
  • No, you shouldn’t claim an identity you don’t have. But be sure that, when you come out to people as straight or cis, it’s because you want to be authentic, not because you want to run as quickly as possible away from being seen as LGBTQA+/SGL.
• Keep in mind that your friend is still the same person they’ve always been; now you just know more of who they are.
• This process may be uncomfortable. And that’s okay. As i sometimes remind myself: if i’m uncomfortable, it’s probably because i have something to learn.
• If you have limits on the things you can accept or comfortably talk about, that’s okay. Work on that. And if you need to tell your friend, do so as honestly and lovingly as possible. Let them know that you’re working hard on becoming a better ally.

There are overlapping and additional suggestions in How to Deal when Your Best Friend Is Gay.