Here are some ways to support your friend and broaden your thinking.
- Say
- Thank them for telling you. It takes a lot of courage to come out to someone, especially if they weren't sure what your reaction would be.
- Tell them that you believe them.
- Affirm their identity. Don't tell them that bisexuality isn't real, that they "just have't met the right person yet" if they're asexual or aromatic, that they're just sex-starved if they're pansexual, or that they're confused about biology if they're trans.
- About that "biology" part, see the articles below.
- Fascinating Animals That Can Change Their Gender (With apologies for the use of "hermaphrodite," which can't be used anymore in the US for humans without being offensive.)
- Do animals have genders? Are there transgender animals? A scientist find some clues among chimpanzees.
- Yes, There Are Trans Animals (With apologies for the inappropriate use of "trans" — being trans is a part of human culture, although non-human animals can exhibit behaviors that, in humans, we would think of as trans.)
- About that "biology" part, see the articles below.
- Use the name and pronouns they ask you to, even if it makes you uncomfortable. There are suggestions on how to change the pronouns you use for someone in this section.
- Check in on your friend regularly to make sure they're still okay. They may have lost friends or family members in their coming out process.
- Speak out against queer- and trans-antagonism.
- Speak up when people make "jokes." Often, "Wait, I don't understand how that’s funny. Can you explain it to me?" can be a useful, non-confrontational approach.
- Don't let name-calling pass you by, either. "Hey, we don't use that word here" or "Dude, that is really not okay" are two of many potential responses.
- Here are other ways to confront queer- and trans-antagonism.
- Don't say
- Don't tell them that you always knew or that there's no way they could be [insert their identity] because they've always [whatever thing or action that runs counter to queer or trans stereotypes].
- Don't ask them about their HIV status.
- Don't offer advice unless they ask for it.
- If they're trans, do not ask them about their bodies. If you wouldn't ask a cis man or boy if he's circumcised, you should show the same respect to trans folx of any identity. It's just not your business.
- Do not, under any circumstances, out them to anyone without their permission. Your one exception: your non-school-based therapist if you need help working through this.
- If you don't have a therapist outside of a school counselor and think one might be helpful, here's some information on how and why you should get one!
- Do
- Keep treating your friend with the same respect you always have.
- If you're hurt that they didn't tell you sooner, remember the risks that people take in coming out to others. Your friend may have had reservations about how you view queer and trans people. Now that you know, you have a chance to show them and others how much of an ally you can be.
- Remember that not all queer and trans people have the same experiences or identities. If you know one queer or trans person, you know one queer or trans person.
- Keep doing what you've always been doing together — seeing new movies on Sunday afternoons, hanging out after school each Tuesday, going rollerskating on Fridays, hitting the pool on Saturdays.… This will help your friend not be isolated and will remind you both of why you're friends.
- Go to lectures or presentations on queer and trans topics.
- Don't do
- If your friend is queer, don't assume they're attracted to you.
- Don't try to set them up with your other queer friends.
- Remember that it’s okay to need to work through your queer- and trans-antagonism. If you're from the US, you were raised in the same queer- and trans-antagonistic culture that the rest of us were. There's no shame in having work to do; there is only shame in refusing to do it.
- If your ambivalence comes partially or completely from your faith, as it does for many people, check out this list of faith-related resources.
- Be assured that everyone is not going to think you're queer or trans because you have a queer or trans friend.
- Yes, some people may think that, especially if your friendship is very close, and others know that. But this is part of your internal work: being okay with people assuming you're queer or trans.
- No, you shouldn't claim an identity you don't have. But be sure that, when you come out to people as straight or cis, it's because you want to be authentic, not because you want to run as quickly as possible away from being seen as LGBTQA+/SGL.
- Keep in mind that your friend is still the same person they've always been; now you just know more of who they are.
- The process of becoming a strong queer- and trans-friendly ally may be uncomfortable for you. And that's okay. As i sometimes remind myself: if i'm uncomfortable, it's probably because i have something to learn.
- Other, related resources
You can read more about this group on the Queer Asian Youth webpage (This is a link to ACAS's overall website; as of R2T2 go-live, the website is being revamped so the link to this specific image isn't available).
