Level-setting 1: Aren’t sex and gender the same thing? What about sexuality? And what are all the other terms I’ve heard, like “pansexual” and “LGBTQA”?

(or in the living room, or the tent while camping…).

This s probably the most common way this term is used. This meaning comes up in R2T2 only occasionally.

Chromosomes are a part of the genetic makeup of all living beings. In humans, they determines what our bodies look like when we're born and what happens during puberty (along with probably literally millions of other things).

Most of us have either XX or XY chromosomes. Most people who are XX identify as girls/women. Most people with XY chromosomes identify as boys/men. These people are defined as endosex.

There are other chromosomal makeups out there: XXY, XO, or a body where some cells are XY and others are XX. Folx with these chromosomal makeups are referred to as intersex.

If you're like me, you learned the term "hermaphrodite" in school or elsewhere. This is a word that's no longer used by the intersex community, although there are still individual intersex folx who identify with it.

You may also have learned what i did in high school biology: that intersex is a birth defect. I want to state in no uncertain terms that intersex is not a birth defect. There is nothing wrong with bodies not fitting into either the XX or XY box. Intersex is a perfectly normal variation among bodies.

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with that, including many people with medical degrees and access to scalpels.

Intersex infants or children are frequently operated on, sometimes before they're even a year old, to make their genitals match what we think of as "appropriate" for girls and boys. These surgeries are often done without explaining to a child what is going on and, certainly, without their consent. There often follow years of secrecy and shame. And these surgeries can result in their survivors lacking the ability to orgasm or to experience other kinds of sexual pleasure.

So, yes, there are more than two sexes. But our cultural inability to accept that fact leads to a lot of suffering for many intersex folx in the US.

You can learn much more about the lives and experiences of people who are intersex at the sites below:

• • • I'm Intersex: Here's What That Means
    • interACT: Advocates for Intersex Youth
    • Intersex Human Rights Australia
    • Its [sic] Intersex Awareness Day – here are 5 myths we need to shatter (Check out the glossary for a defintion of "[sic].")
  • • What Is Intersex?
    • What It Means to Be Intersex
    • What Does Intersex Mean? (YouTube video)

"Sex" is also used to talk about what happens to our bodies at puberty: where we grow body hair, what happens to our genitals, where our fat deposits are, and whether our breasts develop fully.

This can include both...

• Natal puberty: the puberty that our bodies will usually start during the tweenage years, unless we're on puberty-blockers; and
• Cross-sex puberty: the puberty that happens when people take exogenous hormones, meaning hormones that our bodies don't already produce in large quantity. For example, all human bodies have testosterone. But those folx who are XX don't have enough of it to have a "male-looking" body. Trans men or transmasculine people will often take testosterone injections or use testosterone patches so that they develop a more masculine body.

Some trans adults also have surgery to change their chests, genitals, or other body parts to better match their gender identity.

This is what happens when we're born and we're labeled either a boy or girl based upon a quick look between our legs by a doctor, nurse, or midwife to see if there's a visible penis. You will also hear this referred to as "gender assigned at birth" or as someone being "assigned female/male at birth" (or AFAB/AMAB).

The gender binary is the assumption present in many cultures* that there are only two genders: men and women. Part & parcel of this belief is usually the assumption that one's gender assigned at birth cannot be changed and, often, that men are masculine and women are feminine.

*Note that there are a number of cultures throughout the world that recognize three or more genders.

So not only do non-binary people not exist in these assumptions, but trans folx don't, either.

But what does "non-binary" even mean??

Those of us who are non-binary see our genders as totally unrelated to the gender binary (the group that i fall in) or as combining parts of masculinity and femininity.

We say, tongue-in-cheek, that there are probably as many definitions of "non-binary" as there are those of us who have adopted that term -- which doesn't mean that we all disagree with each other; it reflects how diverse our experiences of our genders are.

If you struggle with the idea that there are more than two genders, you're not alone. The overarching culture in the US does nothing to prepare us for this concept. But if there are more than two sexes (see "Chromosomes (intersex)" higher up on this page), then there can certainly be more than two genders.

Another way to think of it is this: There are approximately 8 billion incredibly diverse humans on this earth. We accept with nary a qualm that people do not have the same...

• Hair color or texture
• Height
• Eye color
• Skin color
• Language
• Tolerance for heat and cold
• Athletic ability
• Intellect
• Weight relative to height
• Health and disability
• And so many other things.

Why do we then insist that everyone fit into one of two, supposedly mutually-exclusive gender boxes? It just doesn't make any logical sense to me and hasn't for decades.

So, yeah, there are absolutely more than two genders. Isn't it glorious?

This is how we feel about ourselves inside: whether we experiences ourselves as male or female, masculine or feminine, or something else entirely.

This is not automatically connected to one's gender assigned at birth.

For cisgender people, their gender assigned at birth and their gender identity "match." For those of us in the trans community, there is a disconnect here.

This does not mean that trans people are "wrong" about our gender. Nor does it mean that having a gender assignment/gender identity "mismatch" is a problem. What "matches" and what doesn't is purely cultural.

So similar to intersex (defined above, in the "Chromosomes (intersex)" entry), there is nothing wrong with being trans. It, too, is a normal variation on human experience.

This is how each of us chooses to express our gender: the clothes we wear, how we cut our hair, the ways we move around the world, the careers we pursue….

Our gender expression can reflect our gender identity or can hide it.

For cis people, their gender identity is generally reflected in their gender expression.

• This includes gender non-conforming people who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth — butch/masculine cis women and feminine (not effeminate!) cis men, all of whom might be LGBQA/SGL or straight.

For trans folx, whether our gender expression matches our gender identity is related to several factors:

• Whether we've been able to name that "disconnect" between our gender assignment and gender identity.
• Whether and whom we've told about our gender identity.
• Whether we can afford to buy clothing that matches our gender identity.
• Whether we can access and pay for hormones and/or surgery to help our bodies reflect our selves. Not every TGNC person wants hormones or surgery and, if they do, one or both of those things is likely not covered by insurance.
• Whether our bodies can "take" hormones or, especially, surgery. Some folx cannot do one or both of these things due to medical complications. An example is those whose skin keloids easily, something that especially impacts folx who are BIPOC.

The same TGNC person will often use gender expression both to hide and to reveal their gender identity, depending on whom they're interacting with. As you can imagine, this gets very old very fast. Having to remember whom you've told and whom you haven't can be exhausting.

This is similar to the tension that LGBQA+/SGL people feel around revealing their sexual orientation — except that TGNC people have to remember not only whom they've told and whom they haven't but also how they can or can't dress depending on whom they're going be around. And if you're dressed one way and run into someone who thinks of you a different way? Uh oh. This is a scenario with the potential for rejection and/or violence.

Something else i want to emphasize: trans folx do not owe you information about their gender identities or their bodies. This includes if you're dating them.

The same can be said of queer people: queer folx do not owe you information about their sexual orientation or their bodies

If you want to find out who in your life might be trans, start by proving yourself to be a queer- and trans-positive person. There are a million ways to do this. The first is to scrub all words, phrases, and jokes that are queer- and trans-antagonistic (defined in the glossary) from your vocabulary. And then you can proceed to further ways of being an ally or, ideally, an accomplice. There are hundreds more ideas in the "Use your" section, "Ideas for" section, and resources section of R2T2.

However, even if you're known by everyone in your life as a rock-solid ally or accomplice to trans communities (this includes if you're LGBQA+/SGL), even then no one owes you their identity. If they tell you, they'll do it on their own time and in their own way.

When you find out, your job is to be 100% supportive and affirming — and to be grateful for their trust, regardless of how long it took them to tell you.

If you're upset at the idea of possibly dating or having sex with someone whom you find out is trans after you're in a relationship, please do everyone you date the favor of telling them this from the very beginning. It's not TGNC folx's job to come out to you; it's your job to come out to them. That way, they can opt out of a relationship with someone who may end up assaulting or killing them. Or, even if they're out to everyone about being trans or are cis and a solid trans ally/accomplice, they can opt out of dating someone whom they find offensive. While trans folx don't owe you information on their identities, because that may put them at risk, you owe them information about your trans-antagonism for this very same reason.

Diamond Rehab Thailand defines "gender dysphoria" thus:

"Gender dysphoria is a term describing a feeling of inner turmoil, including worry and anxiousness between a person’s assigned gender at birth and their expressed gender. The discontent could be so powerful that it can trigger anxiety and depression. Gender dysphoria was previously called gender identity disorder.

"Gender dysphoria is a difficulty expressing one’s gender with traditional societal binary female or male roles due to a mismatch between biological sex and a person’s gender identity. People with gender dysphoria often face discrimination, oppression, and stigmatization, which puts a heavy load on their mental health, explains the National Library of Medicine."

You can find other great information at "What is gender dysphoria? Here’s what you need to know if you’re feeling uneasy with your gender."

The Gender Wiki defines "genderqueer" as

"an umbrella term with a similar meaning to non-binary. It can be used to describe binary cisgender and transgender people within the LGBT+ community who feel that they have a queer or non-normative experience with their gender. It can also be used to describe any gender identities other than man and woman, thus outside of the gender binary."

"Genderqueer" came before "non-binary."

You can find other great information at

• Exploring the Meaning of Genderqueer
• What’s the definition of genderqueer?

A Gender Agenda defines "transgender" as

"Transgender – or trans* for short – is an umbrella term for those whose gender differs from that which they were assigned at birth. This includes binary trans people (trans men and trans women) and non-binary trans people, who may use descriptors like gender-queer, bi-gender, a-gender, or gender-fluid (though not all non-binary people use trans as a descriptor – refer to our gender diversity pages for more information)."

You can find other great information at

• Transgender FAQ
• What Does It Mean to be Transgender?

The Massachusetts Department of Elementary and Secondary Education defines a "transgender boy" as

"a youth who was assigned the sex of female at birth but has a clear and persistent identity as male."

The Massachusetts Department of Elementary and Secondary Education defines a "transgender girl" as

"a youth who was assigned the sex of male at birth but has a clear and persistent identity as female."

Factors for attraction could be someone's gender identity, gender expression, politics, body, and a host of other factors. We usually refer to this as "sexual orientation," which is the overarching term for people who are straight/heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, queer, asexual, and same-gender loving.

In queer and trans communities, we tend to use "sexuality," as well as "sexual orientation," with this meaning.

"Sexuality" also refers to the kind(s) of sex you want to have: vanilla, BDSM, kinky, number of people involved, role-playing….

The LGBTQIA+ Wiki defines "lesbian" as

"a sexual orientation or romantic orientation most often defined as a woman who is attracted to other women, with many variations in definitions. Although lesbians are frequently defined as women who are attracted to women exclusively/solely, they are also defined as women attracted to women primarily/mainly. Some prefer to use or additionally use 'gay' or 'gay woman' as an identifier."

(Note that i've removed the endnotes from the quote above since they don't work outside the wiki. Go check out the original entry for extra documentation.)

You can find other great information at the Queerdom Wiki.

The Trevor Project defines "gay" as

"an adjective that describes people who are physically, romantically, emotionally and/or spiritually attracted to other people of the same gender. In the past, 'gay' specifically referred to men who are attracted to men. Now, it is common for 'gay' to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same gender."

You can find another great definition at the Annie E. Casey Foundation.

Note, however, that some younger people and some seniors also use "gay" as a generic term to encompass anyone who's LGBTQA+. See the "Tags, categories. and search" section of the "How R2T2 is organized" page for how i have handled this here.

The Trevor Project defines "bisexual" as

"a sexual orientation, and bisexual (commonly abbreviated to 'bi') people are those who have the capacity to form attraction and/or relationships to more than one gender. Bisexual advocate Robyn Ochs' popular definition of bisexuality is, 'The potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.' "

You can find other great information from

• Bi+ Research
• GLAAD

It Gets Better defines "pansexual" as

"Someone who is attracted to people of any or all genders. Some people use the word pansexual as an umbrella term to describe individuals that are attracted to more than one gender."

You can find other great information at the sources below:

• Pansexual meaning
• Pansexuality: What It is, What It Isn’t

The Human Rights Campaign defines "queer" as

"A term people often use to express a spectrum of identities and orientations that are counter to the mainstream. Queer is often used as a catch-all to include many people, including those who do not identify as exclusively straight and/or folks who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement."

You can find other great information at the following sources:

• • Queer 101: Identity, Inclusion, and Resources
  • What's in a Word? Queer

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines "asexuality" this way:

"Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships."

See also their definition of "asexuality" here.

You can find other great information at

• Community (AVENwiki)
• The Human Rights Campaign
  
• The Trevor Project

AUREA (Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy) defines "aromanticism" this way:

"1. Commonly describes someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction, abbreviated to aro.

It also describes someone whose experience of romance is disconnected from normative societal expectations, due to feeling repulsed by romance, or being uninterested in romantic relationships.

2. Commonly used as a specific identity term by people who experience no romantic attraction."

You can find other great information at the following sites:

• The Asexual Visibility and Education Network
• Asexuality.org
• LGBTQIA+ Wiki

The National Black Justice Coalition defines "same-gender-loving" (PDF) as a

"Term used by members of the African-American / Black community to express an alternative sexual orientation without relying on terms and symbols of Anglo/European descent."

You can find other great information at these sites:

• GLAAD
• Learning for Justice
• and especially at OtherWise Christian

These acronyms stand for the main identities in queer and trans communities:

• Lesbian
• Gay
• Bisexual
• Transgender
• Queer
• Asexual/Aromantic
• + (for all the other identities that aren't specifically named)
• Intersex (see my explanation on why i haven't included intersex folx in this site on the FAQ page)
• 2S (for Two-Spirit people -- see my explanation on why i haven't included Two-Spirit folx in this site in the FAQ page)

Below is a table that may help with understanding these concepts. (You'll find a few notes below it.)

But first, for those of you on a cell phone, this table will display better with a landscape orientation or with a larger screen.

Sex assigned at birth	Sex identity*	Gender identity	Sexual orientation	Examples
Female	Female	Cis woman	Straight	Probably your mom
Male	Male	Cis man	Straight	Probably your dad
Male	Male	Cis man	Pansexual	Wayne Brady
Female	Female	Cis woman	Lesbian	Brittney Griner
				Hayley Kiyoko
				Megan Rapinoe
				Lena Waithe
Female	Male	Trans man	Gay	Trystan Reese
				Lou Sullivan
Male	Female	Trans woman	Straight	Laverne Cox
				Jane Mock
				Michaela Jaé (MJ) Rodriguez
Male	Neither	Nonbinary	Queer	Sam Smith
				Sam Smith
				Jonathan Van Ness
				Jonathan Van Ness

As promised, those notes:

1. * For lack of a better phrase, "sex identity" designates the sex that an individual identifies with, which is not necessarily the sex they were assigned at birth. It's a parallel to "gender identity" and is a term i made up because i couldn't find another one. (Do you know of an existing alternative phrase? Please let me know!)
2. The (free) plugin that i used to create the table doesn't allow me to include more than one item with links in a cell. So you'll see multiple instances where all the cells in a row are blank except for the last one. In these cases, the people correspond with the row above. So, for instance, both Trystan Reese and Lou Sullivan are in the same group. But only Reese's entry has the preceding cells filled in.
3. Why do Sam Smith and Jonathan Van Ness have two links? Because for each, i couldn't find one source that talked about both their sexual orientation and their gender identity.

The most important thing to remember is that every single one of us has a sex, a gender, and a sexuality (specifically, in this context, a sexual orientation).

There are links to many resources with much more detail throughout this site, including in the resources sections.