Parents Can Help Their Children Come Out to Family

What is coming out, and why is it important?

Parents "need have conversations with their partners and other extended family about what's going on so it won't be confusing and shocking when their queer relatives act differently."

This section is likely most relevant to biological families. But if you've been fostering a young person for long enough or adopted them long enough ago that they hadn't come out yet, this page may be helpful to you, too.

Before i proceed, a moment for what "coming out" is.

Coming out is how LGBTQA+ people assert their identities; usually, this is just for people who don't already know someone is queer or trans.

The alternative is someone living "in the closet," where they hide their identities to some people or to everyone. While often than coming out, being closeted has its own problems, including the stress of having to keep track of whom you've told, not being able to be your true self to everyone, and the constant stress brought about by the necessity of lying.

High schoolers and some middle schoolers come out to strongly assert their experiences of self, to claim a politics of resistance, or just to be ale to be fully themselves.

Some elementary and middle schoolers try on labels, exploring how they feel and testing their families and schools to see if the people whom are dear to them will still love them. (Thanks to Page at the Common Goodness Project for this great, salient point.)

Of course , coming out can happen at any stage of life and can incorprorate all or none of the activiites above.

Links preceded by a red asterisk (*) were recommended by my survey-takers.

If you're the first or one of the only ones in your family to whom your young person has come out, congratulations! Your child sees you as the most trustworthy person in your family. This is a huge honor.

Work with your child on whether and when to reveal their identity to other members of your nuclear family (or their nuclear family, if you're fostering them or you're their guardian).

Your child may need you to be the only one in your family who knows for a while. If you need help, about their identity or about keeping it from others, get support from outside your family.

Never out your child without their express permission.

If you're struggling with coming out yourself as the parent-of, you're not alone.

If appropriate, work with your young person on where, when, and how to reveal their identity to extended family.

Where

Will you tell while on a walk with the dogs, over a shared meal, via email, in a therapist's office, or any of a thousand other possibilities?

When

Will you tell them at the next family barbecue, during Thanksgiving weekend, right before a visit, right after a visit...?

How

Will the message come from you or your child? Or will it be done by both of you together?

Coming Out to Unsupportive Family Members

These kinds of decisions will likely be ones you'll make individually for each relative your young person wants to come out to.

A critical choice is the tone you take in your coming out messages.

If you approach your relatives with joy, you are giving them permission to reflect that joy back to you.
If your message is filled with grief, they are more likely to be sad when they reply.
If you apologize for asking them to use a different name and set of pronouns for your child, they are more likely to see this change as a burden.
None of this means you can't be honest about your feelings. Nor does it guarantee the kind of response you receive. But you get to decide which feeling(s) to focus on.

When you're telling your extended family, let your relatives know that

you're the one they should come to with questions, not your child;
you expect them to support your child; and
you're willing (or happy, if you can say that honestly) to address any concerns they might have.

If your child receives a negative reaction from a relative, support them and advocate for or with them.

If you're not telling everyone, make sure those you share this information with know who is and isn't in the loop. Emphasize that the decision to come out to others is yours and your child's alone.

Make sure to set boundaries, in consultation with your young person, about what details you will and won't share with your relatives. Does Uncle Joe get to know if your child is on puberty blockers? Can Grandma ask about the safer sex information you may have shared with your young person?

Off Limits: My Transgender Teen's Body Is Not Up for Discussion

Be clear, within yourself and with your relatives, about any limits to the support you provide them. If Aunt Sue has already tried to dissuade you from "humoring" your child, you do not need to have that conversation again. Ditto if Grandpa asks the same question over and over, not because of dementia but because he's hoping he can badger you into a different response.

This Isn't the Same Thing as Pretending Your Child Is a Dog

If one of your in-laws comments about how this is "your fault" for giving in to a child's "whims," please discuss this as soon as possible with your partner/spouse. Do not let your extended family drive a wedge between you. Having a child come out can be challenging enough for parents; family does not need to make it harder.

Be aware of the "winter holidays" in the US -- Thanksgiving through to New Year's. If you're outside the US, you likely have similar periods of festivals and holidays that run back-to-back and/or that go on for multiple days. Or you might be in the Southern Hemisphere where December and January holidays are in the summer.

Regardless of where you might be located, these times are often filled with many family gatherings, which can be very challenging for young people who don't have supportive relatives. Ditto for the supportive parents and siblings of queer and trans tweens and teens, who may also have a rough time.

Strategize with your child in advance of the holidays about what gatherings they need to attend and which ones they can skip. For those they can't get out of and that are hosted by unsupportive relatives, is there a space in their house that your young person can escape for a few minutes, like a bathroom or bedroom in a less trafficked part of the house? If you will be hosting, can your queer or trans child spend that time somewhere else, like at the library or a friend's house?

Discuss in advance what your child's boundaries are. Whom can they tolerate bias or misgendering from? Whom can they ask to intervene for them? How much screen time is healthy for them? (If this is a road you tread over repeatedly and your child wants more screen time than you're comfortable with, you may not want to bring this up here for yet another argument.)

And if your young person wants to use winter holiday gatherings to come out to everyone, talk with them about that likely not being the best decision. These events can already be so fraught. Introducing queerness and/or transness into them can make them harder for everyone. Your queer or trans child may be more successful in getting a supportive -- or, at least, neutral -- reaction to coming out if it's not on a major holiday.

(My gratitude to Page of the Common Goodness Project for the thoughts about holidays above.)

Your absolute top priority is supporting your child and building for them the most affirming family-community possible. A very close second is taking care of yourself and your own emotions during this process.

Keep in mind that there are other sections of Reflecting Rainbow Tweens & Teens for different family members. If any of those resources seem like they might be helpful, please consider passing them on to your relatives.